you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.