It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM