Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
