Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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