Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize