i jhust puked up my retainher.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
