i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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