Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes