How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?