I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
