I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
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i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just found a bag of teeth...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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