There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I forget how to act sober
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
