I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.