Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(609): So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/c5bq

Replies (36) Good night (9787) Bad night (825)
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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(937): just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy. http://tfl.nu/n1q0

Replies (17) Good night (1360) Bad night (5747)
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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx

Replies (14) Good night (5666) Bad night (1016)
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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(785): Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer. http://tfl.nu/7lxv

Replies (15) Good night (5743) Bad night (1179)
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(405): This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine?? http://tfl.nu/98s1

Replies (6) Good night (2333) Bad night (1020)
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(215): Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank.... http://tfl.nu/wvlh

Replies (27) Good night (1252) Bad night (5252)
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(864): View more from South Carolina

I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.

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(864): I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel. http://tfl.nu/63se

Replies (4) Good night (1906) Bad night (745)
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(256): View more from Alabama

In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.

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(256): In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside. http://tfl.nu/kaff

Replies (6) Good night (1460) Bad night (645)
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(616): View more from Michigan

I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...

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(616): I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am... http://tfl.nu/z53a

Replies (18) Good night (1594) Bad night (600)
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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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(914): Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off http://tfl.nu/fxgn

Replies (8) Good night (1278) Bad night (548)
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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(907): Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman. http://tfl.nu/89v9

Replies (14) Good night (2215) Bad night (697)
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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(813): I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex. http://tfl.nu/7adn

Replies (2) Good night (1787) Bad night (778)
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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(602): I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets. http://tfl.nu/wv2q

Replies (10) Good night (1270) Bad night (451)
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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(281): Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky. http://tfl.nu/g7xl

Replies (1) Good night (694) Bad night (275)
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(239): View more from Florida

It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?

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(239): It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class? http://tfl.nu/6z5l

Replies (17) Good night (253) Bad night (653)

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