I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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