It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
