girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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