I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
