I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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