omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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