there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
