I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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