I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
