he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
