first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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