he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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