She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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