I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
