I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.