I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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