I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
