I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
