Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
