He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
