I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"