omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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