He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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