Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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