At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I CAN MOONWALK!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
