I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
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I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.