Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
