nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ketchup is God's man juice
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
