You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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