Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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