I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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