I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize