if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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