The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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