mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
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