It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
