If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
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I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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