Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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