Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.