He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?